Taking Stock

About a year ago, I was coming to terms with the possibility that I might have cancer. So much has happened to me in the year since, as so many of you have followed this journey with me through all stages of my treatment know. As I approach the anniversary of my diagnosis, I am trying to understand the whole picture. What have I lost this past year? More importantly, what have I gained? Honestly, I believe the positives outweigh the negatives. I would not have imagined this answer a year ago, but it is true.

 

It would be easy to focus on the bad things, to feel sorry for myself.  After all, I have physical scars that remind me of my cancer every day. I have two healed incisions on my chest, one next to the armpit where the lymph nodes were removed, and one at 6:00 o’clock on the left breast itself, just below the nipple. The first scar has healed well and is almost forgotten most days, except for the fact that the area is numb to the touch. There is usually nerve damage when lymph nodes are removed. The second scar, at the site of my tumour, has left my breast with a large dent where there used to be healthy tissue; the areola has been damaged as well, and the nipple has been scarred by radiation treatment. In fact, the entire left breast has a darker hue as a result of radiation. I have been told recently that the discoloration will be permanent after a year.  The skin is much drier too. Every day, I apply a moisturizer to this “thin skin”, but the texture remains different from my healthy right breast. The right side serves as a sort of mockery of the left – it is a reminder of what I have lost to cancer. Like many women, I really liked my breasts – they were part of my identity, and I am sad sometimes to have lost part of one.

 

But really, why should I lament the loss of a little flesh? No one needs to see my scars – even me.  And I can wear anything I used to wear, even low cut sweaters and blouses. A good bra can do wonders too, so that, to the outside world I look as good as ever. Last winter, Katie told me that I would learn to love my scars. Well, I don’t LOVE them, but I have ACCEPTED them, just as I have all the other marks on my body that I have earned by living well into my fifties. There will be others in the future: battle scars to make me stronger.

 

These physical blemishes are the only negative aspects of my cancer journey. Nothing else has been permanent and while I have had some pain along the way, I have recovered quickly from surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. And I have experienced a great deal of joy this year.

 

I often joke that if I didn’t know I had cancer, I wouldn’t know I had cancer. The treatment has been an inconvenience, for sure, but I have been fortunate. I was diagnosed very early. I have had very skilled and supportive doctors. I have sailed through treatment. Throughout, I have been surrounded by loving family members, friends, and colleagues.   

 

Having cancer, especially going through chemo, has awakened me to my physical appearance in new ways. I learned some valuable skills at the Look Good, Feel Better session that I attended in March. I started to wear makeup again, and with good wigs, I came to believe that I did indeed “look better”. Even now, many months after my treatment, I put time into on my appearance that I did not bother to do beforehand.

 

The most delightful outcome of my cancer has been my new hair, a mass of soft curls that I would have loved to have had earlier in my life. Throughout the 80s, I paid a lot of money on perms to add curl to my very straight hair. Now all I need to do is wash and go – no chemicals needed! Since I started my recent LTO at York Mills C. I., I have had two staff members (strangers to me) comment that they loved my hair. On Parent’s Night, two parents complimented me on it as well. What do I say when I am asked the following question which has happened several times: Have you always had curly hair, or did you get a perm? Depending on who asks it, I laugh, or tell the truth, or lie.

 

Most importantly, having been through cancer has given me a new perspective on life. I try not to complain (although I do whine on the golf course often.)  I really love being alive and I cherish the people around me. I entered this experience with a positive attitude which has no doubt helped me to overcome the physical challenges that I have faced. What I didn’t realize is that I would be better off emotionally and spiritually now than I was a year ago.

 

I am reminded of this wonderful prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I believe I am entering the next decade in a better place than I was in a year ago.